When I was watching the Gary Schandling documentary I noticed a moment when Sarah Silverman said how there was so much that she wanted to ask Gary for his wisdom and experience. And at that moment I thought to myself “what if someone had the foresight to make that documentary as they aged? The one with all of the questions and revelations true to their experience.” At first it was just a big concept, something novel, but then as I thought and thought in my natural course of being it became clear to me that this is what I’m doing with my life. We live in an age where performers and entertainers put so much of themselves out into the world that the line is often no longer distinguishable, or if it is then it breaks the connection that touches that person. So what if instead of drowning in trying to keep up with what everyone else is doing mindlessly, and instead I forge my own path? An uncertain endeavor walked with sure footing.

There is actually a path laid out for the development of a person. There’s an old psychologist from the 20th century that proposed 8 stages of psychosocial development in the life-long process of becoming yourself. By using these stages as a scaffolding we have a structure that provides space for the emergent parts of self to exist, show-up, and inhabit. It is only by examining and nurturing these parts of ourself that we can become one integrative whole. Honoring where we are, what we have to offer, and who we are. Brene Brown talks a lot about how shame and guilt keep us stuck. In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” she outlines 10 guideposts for wholehearted living, all under umbrella of the book’s tag line “Let go of who you think you should be in order to be who you are.” Alan Watts speaks of something similar in “The Book On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are,” he speaks of the circumstances of psychology and philosophy and physics and society that keep us bound to an illusionary self - superficial and stuck - double-bound in a game of black-and-white obfuscating the interdependent composition of solid-space, matter-energy, organism-and-environment, self-and-other that provide a vision of the true self.

Watts speaks of the indoctrination to status quo that keeps people bound and frightened to non-sensical existential boundaries. As does the book “Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationship Guide for Plus Size People and Those Who Love Them.” I remember reading that book, and the author outlining the situations of people who I had always taken the chance to judge myself favorably against.

People whose situations are seen not as situations, but as the entirety of themself are stuck in the story of who they are. It’s very easy to say “what better motivation is there for change?” But fuck that. Love is a gift, not a reward. Gifts are given, rewards are earned. We are not awarded love and good relationships as a reward for “existing right” because there is no such thing - there is no wrong way to have a body, there is no wrong way to be your self.

In her book “Open Her: Activate 7 Powers to Arouse Your Woman’s Love and Desire,” Karen Brody outlines 7 archetypes of healthy vs. unhealthy displays and definitions of these powers and the dynamic interaction of the male and female energies and gifts in these relationships. Together, the work of these people build together, each a plank on the path to understanding and accepting one’s self. Accepting the parts of one’s self into the integrated whole is the microcosm, the interior experience of the macrocosm of acknowledging one’s self as a part of the universe and accepting ourself as a part of the world around us. So often people are tricked into thinking that the world can act on them, but they can not act on the world. This is the double-bind, the trick to the game of black-and-white that keeps us stuck - the illusion of separateness.

Like the way you train a circus elephant to stay in a cage, the ring they could easily walk out of. When they’re little, make the fence so high that it seems impossible to vault, and make the punishment for trying so severe and damaging that permanent trauma is introduced and the poor young creature would never dare try again. It is not just the pain and hardships we face that hold us back. It is the remembering, and the holding onto of pain and hardships that prevents us from moving forward, because they shape our view of the world so that a 3 ft. tall hurtle can bind a 10 ton elephant in an arena where they perform under a spotlight for the comfort and pleasure of the very people who seek to keep her there.

Elephants don’t understand electricity or a concept of psyche, but human beings can. That is what gives us the chance to break free. Because with our powers of cognition, perseverance, and the innate human desire for an equanimous life, we can grasp- with an invited sense of the mind- that which seeks to oppress the freedom of a fully functioning human being- by knowing the freedom it seeks to oppress. Mindfulness is the tool used to deconstruct propaganda about right-and-wrong, in-and-out, black-and-white. Mindfulness allows us to carry an integrity of sense and self in all arenas of life. This integrity provides us structure and allows us to exist in states of conflict, forgiveness, emotion, and acceptance all at once.

The calling to this path is in alignment with our highest self, because we learn how to hold space for our whole self. By venturing to deprogram one’s illusioned constitution and illuminating, examining, and expressing the existence you observe you become more than lil’ ole you - stuck in a life, stuck in a body, stuck in a world - mindful living is the key to freedom because you no longer have nonsensical customs and beliefs twisting you inside out, and providing a means of control for this invisible force to manipulate one’s self with. However much we may want, this is something that each and every person can only experience from the inside out. Luckily we can create a guide to help, it need not be a literal guide, for giving the gift of one’s self - being yourself, and living out examples of these freedoms are all we truly have to offer our family, friends, and lovers. This is a dissertation on the art of looseness.